Alberta Premier Redford Insists Elected Senators Best Way to Maximize Entitlements

Alberta Premier Redford Insists Elected Senators Best Way to Maximize Entitlements

http://www.calgaryherald.com/news/Alberta+continue+pushing+elected+Senate+Redford+says/8438679/story.html

 (CPC) – Speaking this past weekend to supporters and supportive media, Alberta Premier Alison Redford asserted that elected senators were the best way to ensure democratic entitlements for Conservatives.  She went to particular lengths to laud Alberta’s elected senator, Bert Brown, for his achievements.  In 2011, this poor, tough, gnarled ex-farmer was able to spring to the head of the pack and record the highest taxpayer hit of anyone in the red chamber—a whopping 331k before his six-figure salary and astonishingly lucrative pension. http://news.nationalpost.com/2011/11/09/canadas-only-elected-senator-also-the-most-expensive/  “Say, say no more about what this man may have or did not do,” Redford said, “for he was truly the multi-million dollar man.”  “Imagine,” she continued, “almost from a child, Bertie had one particular goal in mind, and that was to suck at the public teat like no man ever before.  So dauntless, so ambitious, so determined was he, that he even scored into his land 3 letters that could even be seen from above!  Yes, they were all the same letter--the letter ‘E’-- but they had a special meaning then, not just Sesamean, then as now.  Enriched, Entitled, Excrescent—Bertie told me this last word had been revealed to him by a passing preacher, who saw a rainbow to the left of Bertie’s farmstead with the 6-truck garage.”

 Analysts observed that, in the recent provincial election, electors were able to choose on their ballots up to three “senators-in-waiting”; this being Alberta, as with the Soviet Union or the PRI Mexico, three Conservatives were chosen.  Those privy to the ballots noted an unusual number of spoiled or null paper slips.  To an unusual—possibly even majority—extent (only Elections Alberta would have to come clean), many ballots were marked by electors, reflexively, only with an ‘X’ for the first named Conservative candidate, Doug Black.  Black, of course, has a distinguished Tory record—he stepped down from his post as Chair of the University Calgary’s Board of Governors after admitting that his regal hotel, flight, and booze expenses were eventually noted somehow (http://globalnews.ca/news/294395/doug-black-steps-down-following-expense-scandal/)

Black joins past Harper appointees and future senators from Harper’s alma mater, Tom Flanagan (http://news.nationalpost.com/2013/02/28/ex-harper-advisor-tom-flanagan-fired-from-cbc-after-saying-theres-nothing-wrong-with-viewing-child-pornography/) and Bruce Carson (http://news.nationalpost.com/2012/07/27/bruce-carson-influence-peddling/).

Redford averred, “we must keep making sure that these redolent individuals go to the senate.  If we don’t,” she warned, Conservatives just won’t be entitled to their entitlements anymore."

 Redford offered two tips for being democratically elected.  First, she observed, one ought to get in line with Tory objectives; a big donation was a good start so that you could run under the Tory banner.  Then, a name change.  Aardvark, Stephen, made you a shoo-in, provided you were under, and had paid the requisite amount to be under, the Conservative banner.

Premier Redford then reflected, citing a personal example.  “Look, I got in saying I’d increase education funding.  Then I cut it back.  This is red meat for the base, and we only need 30% + 5.  You say, ‘oh, well, those people you lied to won’t vote for you again.’  I say, ‘they won’t vote again, and that’s the rub.’  A docile, and disaffected electorate is the key. We all know that we’ve been keeping voting rates down for decades now, and the downward trend is positive.  We only need 5%, and if it looks like the Wild Rose is a threat, then we can out robocall them anyday—this, this is up to you my friends.” (http://www.calgaryherald.com/news/Tories+demand+probe+Wildrose+robocalls/8447077/story.html)

Premier Redford paused momentarily to reflect on family values.  “I think of my daughter, Sarah; her private school tuition in southwest Calgary is now well over 30k/pa.  Now, that’s enough almost to _pay_ a teacher, or for countless school lunches.  If we as Conservatives, if we *fail* to entitle ourselves to entitlements, then pretty soon everyone but us is going to be expecting us to help them pay for little junior or little junioress to just go to school and get educated—and that is wrong.  Read the history books.  The senate was founded to ensure that commoners could not subvert privileged classes.  It’s just gross.”

 Redford closed by offering:

 “And this is why I pray to you, my supporters, that you support Doug Black as the next great Alberta senator.  For he, and only he, has proven that he has the right mix of entitlement and disregard of basic human qualities to advance us forward.  The poor don’t vote, and this is in their best interests, of course, but should they choose to, they must always look up to us, Alberta style, and believe that they, too, could once command the highest office by lying and gloating.  If we don’t, we as Conservatives, then the next thing you know, your very own children could end up getting educated next to other children who didn’t pay 33k per year.  You wouldn’t be able to hide your money, like my friend Jim Flaherty has expressly worked for! http://www.ctvnews.ca/video?playlistId=1.1223543

You can’t let us down!”

“We must have an elected senate,” Redford insisted.  “Our very future, that of your entitled Conservative children and mine, is at stake.”

 

-zr