Posts
Tom Flanagan’s Workday
8:23 Hoo well. Gotta
get up again, tell all those worthless losers to get out there and get a
job.
8:25 Whoa, I just dreamed I was a young buck from Texas
8:27 Whoa whoa, not
dreaming. Where’s that other wife I used
to have?? Damn. Said I was too self-absorbed, too self-interested,
took her for granted because I was a big star.
I mean, what, she saw me on TV every day, or at least knew she would!! Women.
But man,
that stuff I spun in Lethwhatever the other night, that was the s**t!!
8:30 Alright. Shower.
9:00 Wife couldn’t do that!!
9:02 If I have to start parting from the right anymore I’m
gonna look like Rene Levesque in reverse!!
9:03 Well, if I wasn’t such a good-looking son-of-a-gun,
then why would CBC keep begging me to be on TV?
I think SUN tv and CTV just take me for granted, but when Evan thinks
I’m emo, I’m bad, I’m nationwide.
9:04:30 Yep, still got it.
9:10 Coffee. No, if I
made it here, I’d just be supporting peasants.
Sometimes I’d really like to just have coffee in my own mansion, but
it’s better to support the economy by eating from those useless losers.
9:52 All these years I’ve been here, and still nobody can
make huevos rancheros like mama juanita used to do. I should kick her out of the country for not
being around this country. I haven’t had
a taxpayer-funded trip back home for weeks.
I’m gonna call the university and ask for another paid leave.
9:54 Damn. I’m
already on one.
9:55 Awww, what am I thinking. They’ll let me. I mean, if that medical guy can get away with
it, what the hell, eh? No medical guy is
gonna beat on my time. I’ll fly to Rio and back and not even get off the plane to prove
*that* point.
9:56 Did I say “eh?”
Jesus.
9:59 There’s a nice piece of. . . .
10:20 Hoo well, back at the computer again. This thing doesn’t show my face to advantage
nearly as well as tv. Maybe I need one
of those “wide-screen” things, with the different “aspect ratio.” This “aspect ratio” thing sounds creepy to
me, but I hear it makes you bigger. Or
elongated, anyway. (heh heh)
10:22 email.
Meetings. Don’t these people
realize that I just went to a
meeting, before Christmas? What do they
think I do, go to meetings all day?
Don’t they get that I’m busy? Why can’t
these people just get jobs?
Ezra wants
to know if I’ve got a good Lincoln
10:25 Now some dips**t is saying that something I said in
Lethwhatever last night was annoying.
These people. How many times have
I told Stephen that these people have to get jobs? If they had jobs, if that “action plan” would
just get more active and _make_ people get jobs, then I wouldn’t have to read
this whingeing and complaining while I do my Job.
Nuuuuhhhhhh. Wonder
how my chin looks? Nuuuuuhhhhh.
10:32 Yep, time for a movement.
10:44 That was
good. But where will I go for lunch?
10:47 Phone keeps ringing.
Pinheads. 14 messages
already. Someone should develop a
national policy to prevent people from calling you like this. I’ll call Stephen.
There’s a
message from Coop!! We done gone gonna
fish the hell right out of the Old Man River in April. Good ol’ Coop. That’s his number. But I gotta get ready for that greasy Evan
kid. EST. You’d think that by this time of my life
they’d damn well swing the world around enough.
But no, hoa no. If some of these
people would just get jobs, or start their own damn businesses, hiring me, to
talk. Some idiots just. . . .
11:00 It’s a nice day, really, sunny. It’s just all these pricks on the road who
won’t drive the max. What, I’ve gotta
sit here while all these people don’t get out there and get jobs? Unbelievable.
Here I am, going to this piss-ant public studio to get all gussied up
for tv, and all these pinheads doing nothing won’t get out of the way. It’s amazing.
I don’t know how many times I’ve told Danielle, the most important thing
in government is “roads, roads, roads.”
No wonder she lost. Pinhead.
11:30 gettin’ ready to roll.
Anybody got a paper? Oh yeah that
Lethsomething crap. That greasy CBC kid,
wimp but fair, he’ll be pleased to see me.
11:34 I better pee again.
11:42 Read the Post, watched the SUN, getting bored. All these people walking around and looking
at computers—why don’t they just get a job?
They could start their own businesses! With, I don’t know, computers,
and walking around. A drill maybe. These
people. It’s so tough to be me. I know there’s only one me, but still, it’s
tough.
11:53 More idle chit-chat.
I hate that. I mean, that’s what
made Riel such a loser. That’s all he
did, chit-chatting. I’m getting jumpy
now, but I have to admit that I do also have a feeling of advanced
boredom. That is, I know already what
I’m going to say, and I haven’t even heard the questions. I’m getting sleepy and need a nap. It reminds me of an old prof of mine. He used to say: . . .say. . .say. . .say. .
.say.
12:01 Showtime!!
12:05 “Well, I think these people are making all too much of
it. I mean, if people are criminals and
they don’t want to get shot, then they won’t or will get shot, right? So it’s something that government really
shouldn’t have a hand in, anyway, and I think most Canadians would agree with
that.”
12:06 (hoo hoo, zinger alert on that one!)
12:09 “Well, you know, we had this discussion 40 years ago,
and people at the time said it wouldn’t work.
So why should we be talking about it again? I mean, it’s just people who don’t have jobs
trying to make them up.”
12:10 (zinger, stinger!!)
12:13.30 “Well, look, if the coastline of Louisiana
wants to move, that’s up to the coastline of Louisiana Louisiana want to talk as if they’re the coastline of Louisiana Louisiana
12:15 Chinese buffet, Indian buffet, definitely buffet for
lunch. Ok Chinese it’s closer.
12:17 “Well I’m just gonna say what I’ve been saying, it’s
that these senators, they go to all this trouble of putting EEE in their farm
fields and then they only get $240 000 back in cash money for a coupla years’
travel, a job for life and a gold-plated pension? I mean, is this Soviet Russia or something? I mean, I mean, I think most Canadians would
agree with that.
12:22 Phew.
12:31 Traffic is hell.
12:32 I hate this buffet.
I don’t know why I keep coming back here. Hoo-hah, hoo-hah, maybe I do. I’ll have a little more hoo-hah. These rice balls are too sticky, but I like
the consistency.
12:48 Tea was cold. I
guess that’s the way it always is. If
there weren’t so many social programs, tea would be hot. Actually, that’s insightful. I’ll put that in my next emission. Coop’ll put it in his next book.
12:53 Sleeeepy, sleeeepy. GET OFF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!
1:02 I could read more email. Bloody phone.
Meeting. Hah. That’s what they think I do, go to meetings? Hah.
I’ll have a snooze.
4:48 prime rib. . .?
5:06 that salmon would have been delightful if I had caught
it myself. . . . What’s that? I
did? Oh, that salmon was wonderful!!!
5:09 are these ribs I see before me??
5:14 Gotta get up AGAIN.
I can’t believe it. I had this
terrible dream about some wimpy teacher I had, trying to tell me those
ring-candy things around my neck were the best meal I’d ever have.
5:19 Drink, drink. A
drink would be good now. But there’s too
many taxes. Too late to drive to Montana
5:23 Why do I always have to pee these days? I mean, I’m old, but not old old.
5:30 TV says I shouldn’t say it’s consumers’ choice about
teen girls or whatever. Blah blah. Been saying that for years. It’s like, they just noticed now? I’ve got my pension, I’m going to the Senate,
sticks and stones, people, sticks and stones.
I should eat something before I go to bed.
7:48 This phone thing, it keeps ringing, or buzzing, or
whatever these kids say it does. That’s
probably what did in Riel, failure to notice the ringing before the
buzzing. I don’t feel all that
hungry. I’ll just go back to sleep. My dreams will be gr8 (the kids say, but I’ve
got the “drop” on them, heh heh).
Probably Danielle will call in the morning. I’ll call the goddamn university and make
them emeriti me or else!
Following day:
8:48 “Look Tom, it’s
Stephen. We’ve got this big hole to fill
in the Senate. . . .
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