Friday, 1 March 2013

Tom Flanagan's Workday

Tom Flanagan’s Workday


8:23 Hoo well.  Gotta get up again, tell all those worthless losers to get out there and get a job. 


8:25 Whoa, I just dreamed I was a young buck from Texas who paraphrased a bunch of  stuff and ‘wrote’ about hapless Indians and got a lifetime’s reward for it from some bumblf**k northern community.  I went because they had amazing pensions and would tolerate me.


8:27  Whoa whoa, not dreaming.  Where’s that other wife I used to have??  Damn.  Said I was too self-absorbed, too self-interested, took her for granted because I was a big star.  I mean, what, she saw me on TV every day, or at least knew she would!!  Women. 

            But man, that stuff I spun in Lethwhatever the other night, that was the s**t!! 


8:30 Alright.  Shower.


9:00 Wife couldn’t do that!!


9:02 If I have to start parting from the right anymore I’m gonna look like Rene Levesque in reverse!!


9:03 Well, if I wasn’t such a good-looking son-of-a-gun, then why would CBC keep begging me to be on TV?  I think SUN tv and CTV just take me for granted, but when Evan thinks I’m emo, I’m bad, I’m nationwide.


9:04:30 Yep, still got it.


9:10 Coffee.  No, if I made it here, I’d just be supporting peasants.  Sometimes I’d really like to just have coffee in my own mansion, but it’s better to support the economy by eating from those useless losers.


9:52 All these years I’ve been here, and still nobody can make huevos rancheros like mama juanita used to do.  I should kick her out of the country for not being around this country.  I haven’t had a taxpayer-funded trip back home for weeks.  I’m gonna call the university and ask for another paid leave.


9:54 Damn.  I’m already on one. 


9:55 Awww, what am I thinking.  They’ll let me.  I mean, if that medical guy can get away with it, what the hell, eh?  No medical guy is gonna beat on my time.  I’ll fly to Rio and back and not even get off the plane to prove *that* point.


9:56 Did I say “eh?”  Jesus.


9:59 There’s a nice piece of. . . . 


10:20 Hoo well, back at the computer again.  This thing doesn’t show my face to advantage nearly as well as tv.  Maybe I need one of those “wide-screen” things, with the different “aspect ratio.”  This “aspect ratio” thing sounds creepy to me, but I hear it makes you bigger.  Or elongated, anyway.  (heh heh)


10:22 email.  Meetings.  Don’t these people realize that I just went to a meeting, before Christmas?  What do they think I do, go to meetings all day?  Don’t they get that I’m busy?  Why can’t these people just get jobs?

            Ezra wants to know if I’ve got a good Lincoln mechanic.  The hell would I know?  Why wouldn’t he just get a BMW like me?  Guy like him oughta know how to cut a deal on a mechanic, anyway.  Ministering to these minions gets so tiresome.  Who’s that hot babe on SUN. . .?  I’d talk to her again. . . . .


10:25 Now some dips**t is saying that something I said in Lethwhatever last night was annoying.  These people.  How many times have I told Stephen that these people have to get jobs?  If they had jobs, if that “action plan” would just get more active and _make_ people get jobs, then I wouldn’t have to read this whingeing and complaining while I do my Job.


Nuuuuhhhhhh.  Wonder how my chin looks?  Nuuuuuhhhhh.


10:32 Yep, time for a movement.


10:44  That was good.  But where will I go for lunch?


10:47 Phone keeps ringing.  Pinheads.  14 messages already.  Someone should develop a national policy to prevent people from calling you like this.  I’ll call Stephen.

            There’s a message from Coop!!  We done gone gonna fish the hell right out of the Old Man River in April.  Good ol’ Coop.  That’s his number.  But I gotta get ready for that greasy Evan kid.  EST.  You’d think that by this time of my life they’d damn well swing the world around enough.  But no, hoa no.  If some of these people would just get jobs, or start their own damn businesses, hiring me, to talk.  Some idiots just. . . .


11:00 It’s a nice day, really, sunny.  It’s just all these pricks on the road who won’t drive the max.  What, I’ve gotta sit here while all these people don’t get out there and get jobs?  Unbelievable.  Here I am, going to this piss-ant public studio to get all gussied up for tv, and all these pinheads doing nothing won’t get out of the way.  It’s amazing.  I don’t know how many times I’ve told Danielle, the most important thing in government is “roads, roads, roads.”  No wonder she lost.  Pinhead.


11:30 gettin’ ready to roll.  Anybody got a paper?  Oh yeah that Lethsomething crap.  That greasy CBC kid, wimp but fair, he’ll be pleased to see me.


11:34 I better pee again.


11:42 Read the Post, watched the SUN, getting bored.  All these people walking around and looking at computers—why don’t they just get a job?  They could start their own businesses! With, I don’t know, computers, and walking around.  A drill maybe. These people.  It’s so tough to be me.  I know there’s only one me, but still, it’s tough.


11:53 More idle chit-chat.  I hate that.  I mean, that’s what made Riel such a loser.  That’s all he did, chit-chatting.  I’m getting jumpy now, but I have to admit that I do also have a feeling of advanced boredom.  That is, I know already what I’m going to say, and I haven’t even heard the questions.  I’m getting sleepy and need a nap.  It reminds me of an old prof of mine.  He used to say: . . .say. . .say. . .say. . .say. 


12:01 Showtime!!


12:05 “Well, I think these people are making all too much of it.  I mean, if people are criminals and they don’t want to get shot, then they won’t or will get shot, right?  So it’s something that government really shouldn’t have a hand in, anyway, and I think most Canadians would agree with that.”


12:06 (hoo hoo, zinger alert on that one!)


12:09 “Well, you know, we had this discussion 40 years ago, and people at the time said it wouldn’t work.  So why should we be talking about it again?  I mean, it’s just people who don’t have jobs trying to make them up.”


12:10 (zinger, stinger!!)


12:13.30 “Well, look, if the coastline of Louisiana wants to move, that’s up to the coastline of Louisiana.  I’m amazed by how many people who aren’t the coastline of Louisiana want to talk as if they’re the coastline of Louisiana.  I mean, it’s a Louisiana thing, and I think most Canadians would agree with that.”


12:15 Chinese buffet, Indian buffet, definitely buffet for lunch.  Ok Chinese it’s closer.


12:17 “Well I’m just gonna say what I’ve been saying, it’s that these senators, they go to all this trouble of putting EEE in their farm fields and then they only get $240 000 back in cash money for a coupla years’ travel, a job for life and a gold-plated pension?  I mean, is this Soviet Russia or something?  I mean, I mean, I think most Canadians would agree with that.


12:22  Phew.


12:31 Traffic is hell.


12:32 I hate this buffet.  I don’t know why I keep coming back here.  Hoo-hah, hoo-hah, maybe I do.  I’ll have a little more hoo-hah.  These rice balls are too sticky, but I like the consistency.


12:48 Tea was cold.  I guess that’s the way it always is.  If there weren’t so many social programs, tea would be hot.  Actually, that’s insightful.  I’ll put that in my next emission.  Coop’ll put it in his next book.


12:53 Sleeeepy, sleeeepy.      GET OFF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!


1:02 I could read more email.  Bloody phone.  Meeting.  Hah.  That’s what they think I do, go to meetings?  Hah.  I’ll have a snooze.


4:48 prime rib. . .?


5:06 that salmon would have been delightful if I had caught it myself. . . .  What’s that? I did?  Oh, that salmon was wonderful!!!


5:09 are these ribs I see before me??


5:14 Gotta get up AGAIN.  I can’t believe it.  I had this terrible dream about some wimpy teacher I had, trying to tell me those ring-candy things around my neck were the best meal I’d ever have. 


5:19 Drink, drink.  A drink would be good now.  But there’s too many taxes.  Too late to drive to Montana now.  Bloody hell.  I’ll bet Coop is having a bourbon.


5:23 Why do I always have to pee these days?  I mean, I’m old, but not old old.


5:30 TV says I shouldn’t say it’s consumers’ choice about teen girls or whatever.  Blah blah.  Been saying that for years.  It’s like, they just noticed now?  I’ve got my pension, I’m going to the Senate, sticks and stones, people, sticks and stones.  I should eat something before I go to bed.


7:48 This phone thing, it keeps ringing, or buzzing, or whatever these kids say it does.  That’s probably what did in Riel, failure to notice the ringing before the buzzing.  I don’t feel all that hungry.  I’ll just go back to sleep.  My dreams will be gr8 (the kids say, but I’ve got the “drop” on them, heh heh).  Probably Danielle will call in the morning.  I’ll call the goddamn university and make them emeriti me or else!


Following day:


8:48  “Look Tom, it’s Stephen.  We’ve got this big hole to fill in the Senate. . . . 

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